A (Not So) Tiny Letter

Hi,

I've been reading a lot of letters. It seems all I do these days is read letters.

But here's a letter for you. I wish I could send it to you on the onion-skin I so often find myself reading, the translucent sheets etched with the black ink of a an old Hermes's or Corona Portable's hammer-strikes, the sheet carefully folded into an envelope covered with bright stamps and decorated with a picture of a DC-3 and bold capitals reading "VIA AIR MAIL." 

Of course, I can't, but I still want to say hello, because it's been a while (probably) and I miss you (certainly) and connecting beyond the superficial digital zones where we encounter one another. You may know where I've been, but perhaps something will settle on this screen. Letters, whatever their substrate, allow thoughts to steep better than ever-flowing streams of information we feel we must address and process now. Right now. Always now.

So feel free to read this and whatever letters follow at your leisure.

This Spring, while traveling between archives and libraries, first in Washington, D.C. and College Park, Maryland, then in Palo Alto and San Diego, I've had a sort of secondary education on the art of letter-writing. But what I want to discuss isn't what I've read in search of details about Melville Jacoby's life. I want to address what happens after processing so many diplomats' desk calendars, journalists' diaries, essayists' scrawled notes, and of course, the letters, those countless letters. I want to address what happens when I leave the reading rooms and need to unpack myself into whatever crevices of the day remain. Hard as I may work, these trips acquire meaning through what happens in their margins. Even seemingly inconsequential after-hours moments counterbalance days crammed with research and mountains of paper.

After I finished my first day at the Library of Congress, a college friend I hadn't seen since graduation showed off the senate office where she now works. I later met her husband (and adorable dog) while staying as the first overnight guest at the house they just bought. But what I remember from my visit wasn't catching up over what we've done the past dozen years, it was the three of us talking late into the night over meals and music, the kind of meandering conversation one remembers from college dining halls, dorm lounges and walks across the quad. In other words, the moments outside the classroom.

But for the bulk of my nights in D.C., I stayed on the couch of my best friend from grad school. We hadn't seen one another for half a decade. Because of a major event in the D.C. area while I was there, my friend, a TV news producer, was as busy as I. While we could only squeeze in a few hours of socializing, our familiarity with one another ran so deep that we didn't need to do anything to resume our patter after five years apart, and being busy together was our normal. Back at her apartment on the last night of my trip, we collapsed on the couch with wine, take-out and mindless TV. Both depleted by our work, the moment felt like the endless hours we'd spent agonizing over our Master's projects, commiserating over breakups and wondering what the hell we would do next with our lives. It was the comfort of familiarity balanced against a week working ourselves sick (Literally; I went home with a cold).

Pain and Gain

Two weeks later, I was at it again in California. There, I met friends' boyfriends at ballgames and high school classmates' babies at coffee shops. One night in L.A., after mingling with Tyrannosaurs and dancing among the imagined landscapes of a prehistoric Golden State, one of my oldest friends and I stretched the night deep into the morning, remembering youthful exploits on late nights long past.

On my second day in San Diego, after exhausting the collection I'd come to scrutinize, I visited the studio of an aunt literally working herself raw finishing a glass art installation. With my uncle explaining the painstaking preparations they were making to hang the work, my aunt stepped away from shaping a sea-green sheet of glass. She explained how, despite torn-up hands and her exhaustion, she was fulfilled by the work and grateful for the chance to involve the man she loved with its preparation. Toil doesn't only happen from nine-to-five, and it doesn't only happen in offices or construction sites.

Just the previous night, I met a high school friend I hadn't seen since 2001. Over cocktails and a late-night tea, we dissected the writing life, its sharp edges, and the truth of just how brutal our passions can be.

"Because I love making art, and I love being alive, I am trying to be brave, to be honest, and to listen carefully,"  she confided the next day in a North American Review essay. She felt like I sometimes do, like she was failing. "And so far this year, interestingly, it’s been the perfect fail. All pain, no gain."

Candid admissions were the order of the week. After my visit to my aunt's studio I met one more person, an old colleague who became a close friend years after we worked together. At a coffee shop near her childhood home we discussed "light" topics: books, TV shows, our families, etc.; but we also talked about her pancreatic endocrine cancer — and its often debilitating treatment. That afternoon, Huffington Post ran a piece she wrote originally for Reimagine.me about fighting to stay afloat financially. Years into her diagnosis, she hasn't even reached her 29th birthday. As she details in the piece, she didn't choose the expense of having cancer the way we make other informed choices about our major financial commitments, but she must bear it. I know her to be an artist as well, and I know that she is brave, and I know that she is honest about when she cannot be brave, and I know she listens carefully, and I even know much of what she loves about being alive. And I also know about her pain — though it's a real pain whose dimensions I can't fathom — pain that, by contrast with what art has brought my high school friend and I, didn't result from any of her choices.

Seventy-Two Years

Fortunately, pain isn't the only experience that catches us off guard. The previous night, I stayed late at UCSD's Theodore Geisel Library. On the bus to meet my high school friend, a woman who works at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies sat down next to me. We started talking about her research into genomics, as well as mine into history and wartime news coverage, and our mutual bliss throwing ourselves into work we love. It was one of those serene moments of connection, where as draining as our day had been, we regretted when the bus reached my stop, because it meant we couldn't continue this unexpected conversation.

But I learned one thing: Her name was Shelley. Shelley's name was easy to remember. My aunt with the glass-torn fingers is named Shelley. One of Mel's best friends was named Shelley. That day, I'd spent much of my time reading letters written between that Shelley (along with her husband, Carl) and the couple whose papers I was studying. 

It's a coincidence, to be sure, but it was enough of one to get my attention. And it's on my mind again tonight. 

When Japan invaded the Philippines, Mel and his wife, Annalee, escaped. But Japanese troops captured Shelley and Carl and imprisoned them with other American civilians. A few months after Mel's escape, he radioed Washington D.C. and urged U.S. officials to arrange a prisoner exchange, hoping his friends could be released. The government couldn't make the exchange happen, at least not then, but in a letter acknowledging Mel's request, his contact expressed relief at his and Annalee's safety.

"One of these days we shall hope to see you again," read one line of the letter, dated April 28, 1942.

I realize not only that this letter was sent exactly 72 years ago, but also that its hope would never be realized. Just a few hours later — indeed, nearly at the exact hour I finished the last edits on this letter — halfway around the world, an airfield accident would change everything, and kill Mel.

I hadn't intended to write this note to mark the anniversary of Mel's death, but I can't ignore that timing.

There's something else I can't ignore. Mel didn't choose his pain, either. He didn't have a chance to reconnect over the decades with old friends for drinks or dinners or candid admissions. Mel didn't have hours or days, let alone years, to recover from exhausting work. He only had his short life.

While I was working at the Hoover Institution, I went to an evening forum at Stanford's School of Journalism sponsored by Rowland and Pat Rebele. There was a reception after the talk, and I spent a long time there chatting with Rowland, whose curiosity about Mel's story deepened with each question I answered. That was exciting enough, but my biggest memory of the night was when I stood up from the panel discussion and noticed glass-encased shelves lined with cardinal-red, bound volumes. The spine of a book on the shelf closest to me read "An Analysis of Far Eastern News in Representative California Newspapers, 1934-38." It was a masters thesis authored by Charles L. Leong and Melville J. Jacoby. Of course I knew about its existence already, but seeing it there, moments before meeting Rebele, reminded me that I am doing the work I need to be doing, when I need to be doing it.

It's not news that writing is a solitary existence. Since I am single, and I work from home, and I don't have roommates, I sometimes feel even more isolated. All these moments of connection these past months, however, make this work feel far less lonesome. Indeed, they reminded me that there are people who understand the work I'm doing, even if miles, years and conditions separate us.

That's part of the reason I'm writing you; in the past, you've shown an interest, and I want to carry on whatever conversations we've already started, or begin ones that might last into the future. I'll write occasionally to this list; sometimes once a week, sometimes a little more or a little less frequently; sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. Yes, I want to keep you interested in my book, but I also want to experiment with a simple but elusive concept: getting and remaining in touch. If this isn't the place for you to do that, or you don't want to remain in touch, please don't feel obligated to do so and please don't feel like you'll offend me if you unsubscribe.

But that's why I'm writing you today, and if you can, and if you want, write back when you can, about this, about your passions, about anything. And share this note widely with people who'd want to read it, and who'd want to be part of the conversation.

-Bill

P.S. If you want to keep track of what I have to say but don't want to subscribe, please consider a visit to my blog, follow me on Twitter, Tumblr or Instagram.

Journalism of the Unknown Unknowns

It's complicated ... and that's the point. Journalism doesn't have all the answers, and we shouldn't expect it to. We shouldn't expect our stories to solve things for us.

Journalists' primary role is not to answer the challenges that face our society: it's to bring light to those challenges, so that those with the proper tools to solve a given problem will know that the challenge exists. In a sense, we're brokers, we're middle-men, we're matchmakers between problems and solutions. But those problems and solutions still have to get to know one another, find the right match. We can't consummate their relationships, we can just help them find one another.

A couple weeks ago, I pitched a story idea to a magazine whose content I admire. From my perspective, the idea was right up this prospective client's alley. It fit their unique geographic focus and addressed a new angle to a controversy that's beginning to show up in more and more states. In the interest of still pitching this story elsewhere, I'm not going to get into much detail about it.

I'm writing because the outlet's rejection of my pitch centered on the editor's position that there were too many unknowns in the subject I wanted to discuss. I tried to stress that that's the noteworthy aspect of the story: this is an unknown situation. It also happens to be one that involves multiple state governments and economies sailing into uncharted waters. They're trying to develop a strategy for approaching the subject at hand (hint, it involves regulation of an increasingly popular energy resource extraction technique), but don't seem to be able to because they don't yet know how much this issue will impact them.

My potential editor didn't want the story because there are so many questions. Isn't that the point of journalism? Isn't part of our responsibility as journalists shining the light on inadequacies in official government? Are we only supposed to do so when we have tidy answers to present? Am I asking too many questions?

If there was another issue at play – the outlet doesn't like my approach, they don't trust my ability to complete the assignment, they can't afford to pay me, or anything else – they didn't let me know that was the case (and thus, lacking such knowledge or the ability to read minds, I'll go with what they said to me directly, rather than worry what they *might* be thinking, something I spend too much time doing all across my life).

Perhaps I suck as a journalist. It's quite possible, and that might be one reason I'm focusing more on my book than on reporting. Actually, this wasn't my first pitch rejected because there were too many uncertainties. Maybe that says something about my reporting. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough for a story. Maybe I'm giving up too soon before I find an answer. Maybe I don't belong. It's tough not to think such things when these sort of situations repeat themselves.

But I also can't help thinking that one responsibility of journalism is to help identify the “unknown unknowns.” Is it also our responsibility to then make those unknowns known? If it were, I'd suspect we'd get paid a lot more than we are (or I'd hope we are).

It's such a grind to pitch and hustle. Have I really been spending so many years doing all this work, racking my brains for all these answers, only to possibly have a magazine maybe think about publishing something of mine for a few hundred dollars? Is this really any way to survive?

The ground beneath my feet is so incredibly unstable.

Blogathon haiku day: My watched pot of a career

Stories now simmer

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Words gathered chopped stirred and mixed

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Their flavor seeps out

Heart of the Monster: Journey to SEJ 2010, Part 3

[stextbox id="custom" color="000000" bcolor="000000" bgcolor="ffffff" image="null"]As I prepare for a new journey, I'm thinking about past travels, so here is the third installment of my tales from last fall's trip to the 2010 Society of Environmental Journalists conference. See Part 1 here and Part 2 here. Talk about slow journalism.[/stextbox] [shashin type="photo" id="422" size="medium" columns="max" order="user" position="right"]Imagining my own murder came easily. Shadows sapped what last fall warmth might have lingered from the forests around the confluence of the Lochsa, Clearwater and Selway rivers. Choosing a river-rafting resort for its off-season rate, I was the only guest on this, the day of the year's first frost. I envisioned my role as the victim in a backwoods-set horror film. Having battled a cold all day, a fever crept through my brain in sharp contrast to the plummeting mercury outside. My thoughts ran wild.

In truth, they had all day, just as this text, as all text seems to escape my control.

Before succumbing, I ate across the highway at Ryan's Wilderness Inn. I sat at the counter and watched a courtroom reality show through the static on a small T.V. What could have been my last meal was a French dip with over-salted, but tasty, au jus. It was served on a place mat depicting a map of the solar system (I think one of my best friends growing up had the same set). The mid-October day unraveled as I ate. Listening to crackle of the snowy TV screen and the waitress chit-chatting with the cook, I marveled at the vastness of the universe from this roadside eatery, just a speck in Idaho's forests.

I'd left Oregon that morning before swinging across a remote corner of Washington. Along the way, I inched ever closer to my professional line in the sand. I wouldn't arrive in Missoula, though, without facing the Heart of The Monster.

As I've previously recounted, my day began with deer at dawn in a campground on the shore of Wallowa Lake. After a breakfast in Joseph of polish sausage and eggs  drove North through Enterprise (disappointed not to have realized the night before that the Terminal Gravity brewery was there). I left Enterprise along Oregon Route 3, following the road up a slowly-rising plateau until I traveled above the western rim of Joseph Canyon. I entered Washington where the Lewiston Highway becomes state route 129, then decends into -- and rises again out of – the Grande Ronde River Valley on a tangle of twists and turns protected only by guardrails resembling white picket fences.

"Discovering" the land

[shashin type="photo" id="394" size="medium" columns="max" order="user" position="left"]Long before I descended again – this time approaching the Snake River at Asotin, just south of the twin cities of Clarkston and Lewiston – I learned these lands were not by any means as wild, as remote or as isolated as my first impression led me to believe. After Joseph, as “empty” as the land seemed, I started to learn something else that perhaps many of us don't realize when we approach the “wild.” This land is -- and has long been -- home to many generations of people, even if perhaps the relationships those people had with these surroundings were so different, so much more subtly integrated than our current society's.

That realization started to emerge about ten miles south of the Washington border, when I “discovered” Joseph Canyon. Having never seen the Grand Canyon and having reluctantly skipped Hell's Canyon, I was easily impressed by Joseph. Beyond the natural beauty and beyond the fascination I felt for its geology, though, another thought circulated: what was this vast and dramatic and beautiful place like when there wasn't a road above it, when tourists weren't stopping at overlooks to peer down into the valleys that used to be the winter home of an entire nation?

Such questions rattle through my head wherever I travel. Here in my own nation, on a landscape so many of us so readily dub "ours," they take on different meaning. It's easy for Americans to still perceive spaces like these that contrast so sharply with our cities and towns and farms as “wild” or “untamed” or “unspoiled” lands untouched by civilization. What came before is often unacknowledged, if not out of sight.

In college, I was a history major whose focus – if inadvertently so – was on the articulation and formation of national identities. Even so, I must admit to having little knowledge about the nations and communities that exist and existed within the land we describe as the United States of America. This is true even though I grew up in the heart of the Chumash world and no matter how many times in elementary school we were assigned to read The Island of the Blue Dolphins. Nevertheless, the Channel Islands I gazed at my whole life were the same ones so important to the Chumash. I've strolled countless times past the Albinger Archeological Museum and, of course, Mission San Buenaventura, both reminders of one sort or another of what came before, what we've wrought upon one another, and what's been buried by the passing decades. In many ways, though, the Chumash -- and even the Spanish who subdued them -- were abstract concepts in late Twentieth Century Southern California. The only time they really began to seem less so was after college, when I paid attention to longer and broader historic narratives, or when I worked on stories like this one I did for the about the impact of contemporary development projects on ancient Chumash sites.

Vague Knowledge

Of course, I've always known the vague superficial history of American exploitation, subjugation, extermination and marginalization of native communities, but I'd learned few details about specific histories and incidents. More straightforwardly put: I know little about Native Americans and their history aside from the cursory overview given in traditional California public school educations, and whatever knowledge I've occasionally picked up through other pursuits since.

Then, a year ago, when I moved from L.A. to Portland, I found myself fascinated by the history of the Modoc depicted at Lava Beds National Monument, a history I hadn't known, even though it occurred in my home state of California (albeit a corner of the state quite distant from where I was raised). It's likely I wouldn't have learned of it had I not been drawn to the monument purely by its geologic appeal.

It may seem naïve to carry a sense of wonder in my discovery of these topics when so much of this history is so problematic. So be it. I can't do anything to change that history, but I can welcome my broadened perspective upon it. I've been fascinated by what I have been able to learn, and by how my knowledge of tribal history has slowly grown as I've settled in the Northwest. Such lessons allow me to much more vividly understand the extent to which urbanization and settlement has extensively shifted our world.

Checking Eden off the List

[shashin type="photo" id="420" size="medium" columns="max" order="user" position="right"]My realization there above Joseph Canyon about the many thousands of people that must have crossed this landscape, a landscape I perceived as so untouched and so isolated, only served to make me feel more alone, especially as illness descended further upon me. My loneliness increased as the hours and miles stretched, and as I approached the Heart of the Monster, the site that represents the source of all creation to the Nez Perce.

Just ponder that for a second. The source of all creation. Many, many people trace all of humanity to this spot just south of U.S. Highway 12, a nation's sacred source tucked away in Eastern Idaho and now managed by the park service of another nation. The last remnant of a monster that, months later, would be dwarfed by enormous shipments of equipment meant to squeeze from the ground more of the substance that our nation now prizes so reverently.

I stopped. I looked. I listened to a recording of the tale of the coyote who tricked a monster in order to save all the other living things the monster had devoured. I learned how all the people and animals sprung forth from the defeated monster to populate the land.

Then the recording ended. I watched a mom take her daughter on a stroll, and I saw a car load of retirees stretch their legs in the nearby parking lot, and I took photos, and I enjoyed the sun on the skin of my aching body, and I returned to my own car.

I checked Eden off the list without saying a word.

On this trip, I traveled with the precise goal of connecting with others, joining potential colleagues, establishing professional connections and honing my reportorial skills. The closer I came to Missoula and the more I discovered along the way, though, the further I felt from anywhere. “Isolated” with my thoughts as the landscape unfolded beneath my feet, the more my mind wandered into these sorts of reflections and recollections.

Meanderings of thought

[shashin type="photo" id="421" size="medium" columns="max" order="user" position="left"]I admit that the story – and this entire series, delayed as it may be – has meandered from its path. Nevertheless, I'm also wrestling with how to respond honestly to my experiences, with what happened in my brain on the journey and whether it's self-indulgent to serve this soup of thought (it's a little too stagnant to call it a stream) to you, instead of a straightforward report of the who and the what I saw where and when. Which approach provides the real, honest reporting?

You'll notice in reading these recollections that I am extensively self-referential and that my thoughts are increasingly digressive. This isn't an accident, exactly. On this trip, especially at this point, passing through these locations, I barely encountered anyone else. There were few sources to develop. The encounters I did have were simply inappropriate to develop into deep connections, if at all. To do so may have been to force a story that wasn't there. This might be a reality of a solo road trip. You're so encased in your car and then, over time, in your head. As you're recollecting it hours or days or months later, doesn't it follow that your words will be uniquely shaped?

I'm confident in my abilities and experience as a writer, but I'm trying to do much more reporting, more actual reporting, and I'd like to have done so on this trip. It's pretty easy to write and to meander without a guaranteed paycheck. What I need to figure out is how to report without one, because I need to keep my journalistic skills as fresh as my writing, even when I'm not sustaining myself. Then I must figure out how to turn that writing, that reporting, that observation and reflection and analysis and curation into something that does sustain me.

I've long since encountered that professional line in the sand. Each day that passes, I wonder a bit more whether I ever really crossed it. Have I even properly acknowledged it? Did I skirt it? Did I place it further down the road?

Now, as my resume lingers on potential employers' desks or in their inboxes, as reporting piles high like scaffolding around as-yet-unfinished stories, as pitches bounce about the ether, and as I prepare for another, shorter journey (this time with a clear reporting objective in mind), do I need to address what I've learned about myself and my career on the other side of that line? Do I need to stop asking myself questions, and start asking them of others (my suspicion is a loud, resounding "yes")?

Do I understand whether I've encountered the monster, whether at 30 years old, after college and grad school and years as a reporter and editor and everything else I've built up, I've found the monster's heart, whether I've found a way inside, to confront it and to spring forth again from within?

Roads traveled, stories unraveled

For the next week or so, each day I'll recount some element of my October trip to and from the 2010 Society of Environmental Journalists conference. I'll combine my recollection of what I saw, experienced or learned, tweets I made at the time, photographs and links to some of the cool things I learned. Check back each day for new reflections, tales and reports. At the end of my updates I'll post a link to read the story as one narrative (and post a complete photo album as well). Be prepared. This series will include a mix of storytelling styles -- don't expect straight journalism, or complete creativity. In fact, don't expect anything but a journey.

"The only way out is through," I thought, pulling my scarf tightly around my neck as I burrowed into my sleeping bag. Admittedly, I didn't realize when I mumbled this that I was (not quite precisely) quoting Robert Frost. For a week or so, for a variety of reasons, a dear friend and I had been throwing this phrase around. Never was it more true to me than this moment.

Likely resembling little more than a lump of a polypropylene undershirt, two sweaters, a down vest, a pair of long underwear, waterproof gloves, fleece socks and a knit hat, I burrowed deeper into my bag as temperatures outside my tent dropped below freezing. I'd already felt the tickles of a cold coming on before I arrived after dark to Wallowa Lake State Park. Did I really want to push getting sick before the SEJ conference after working so hard to get there?

I'd already paid $16 for the site, after all, a whopping $16. The closest motel was 5 miles back in Joseph and another $70. If I wanted to actually see the lake, I'd have to return once more the next morning.

No, I could do it. Adventurers did this and far, far more everyday, right ? Besides, I had a car with a heater, seat warmers and a reclining seat. I wasn't exactly isolated (really, it's pretty ridiculous I even thought the word "adventurer").

It's now a few days before Christmas and I'm packing for a holiday trip to my mother's house. I grab a dop kit and find some cold medicine inside. The discovery reminds me how long I've been taking to tell this story. Holding the medicine in my hand, I remember my trip's first day.

Sixty miles east of Portland, after a brief stop in Hood River for coffee and a bagel, I felt the first hint of a scratch in my throat. Ten miles later, my throat burned. As I progressed further eastward, my eyes watered. My face burned. Each mile closer to Missoula seemed to bring new aches. Pain coursed behind my eyes, but, no, I wasn't going to succumb. I would battle through. I was far too excited about the conference, about the people I'd meet and the places I'd go and the ideas I'd generate. As the week progressed and after I arrived at the conference, each day I did what I could to set the cold aside as late into the night as possible. Back where I was staying for the event, at the Hutchins Hostel, I'd return to the bottom of a bunk bed in a room I shared with other conference-goers and try, desperately – and unsuccessfully -- to muffle hacks and coughs, stringing sleepless night upon sleepless night throughout the length of an event that I'd been looking forward to for months.

Tweeting the road: Bagels, coffee, homemade cookies, i am well stocked for the road. Ps it is a glorious day in Hood River. - Oct. 11

Still holding the cold medicine as I walk to my suitcase to finish packing for my holiday trip, I see dark lines stretching across the United States. Rather, I notice lines across a map of the country tacked to a wall in my apartment.

Each line traces a route I've driven at some point in my life. The record tells a story as comprehensive and accurate as I can attempt. Much of my memory stretches across this map. In the nine years I've been tracking my journeys in this way, I've had to buy at least one new map, and I've done my best to stretch my recollection as far back into my youth and my memory as I can accurately recall.

The map only documents roads I've driven, or ridden along, and it's at such a scale that the nuances of my trips get lost. I've had to guess at routes taken during a few trips because they took place on stretches not charted by this map, or so long ago that I can't recall their exact path. Nevertheless, each time I return from a journey I look forward to tracing my trips on the map. Doing so is the only reason I keep pencils around my house.

More than two months after I've returned from one journey, though, I've yet to trace its path. I still haven't traced my trip from Portland to Missoula and back, and I can't quite express why not. Perhaps I don't feel like the trip's over, like I've truly returned. Perhaps I can't record it until I've described it, until I've wrapped the journey in words and pictures and recollections that I realize are fading with each day.

Some of you might not be interested in such ponderings.

“Get to the point,” you'll say. “Tell me about the conference. Tell me what you learned, what you saw along the way, what the latest news is. I only have so much time. Don't you know attention spans are ever so slight? Haven't you ever heard of an editor?"

Indeed I do, and I have. As I've noted elsewhere, as so many have noted before, though, to truly travel you can't simply move from Point A to Point B. You can't experience this world's multiplicity of dimensions through a straight line.

The truth is, of course, I did wait to write this down. I let the story fester. I let it fall away and apart. Like anyone might, I've been making excuses for months now for not chronicling my trip. My terrible cold on the road. Assignments due just upon my return. Job applications. Novel Writing. Story development. Other conferences to attend as a reporter. Holidays. I could think of any number of reasons why you're reading this now, today, this very second, and only now, but this is the moment, this is when these words take shape.

I've also, I'm coming to realize and admit, been utterly incapacitated for months by writer's block - really the worst I've known - despite having felt so inspired, so driven by the conference (and, despite having completed the rough draft of my first serious stab at fiction during NaNoWriMo, which, it should be said, was the only thing to really begin to loosen this writer's block).

But somewhere in the middle of the first sleepless night of my journey, in that jury rigged tent, as the cold descended -- both in the form of my illness and the weather -- I wrote clumsily, with gloved hands, in an irregularly kept journal, beginning with the following fragment: 10/11/2010

Sometimes I ponder the choices I make, or my difficulty making them. I end up here, in what promises to be a beautiful setting, but aching. I ache with the impact of pride, of love, of adventure.

The first day never quite goes right. Surprises for both the better and worse arise and you're left not quite certain how to process them.

I'm fighting a cold I refuse to catch, but hearing creeks splash from what seems like all sides. My tent is jury-rigged together – I'm missing a stake so I put a rock in the corner to hold one side down – but outside the stars pepper the sky in such a way that clichés actually serve them well.

Nobody knows where I am (how near or how far). Were I not ill, I'm not sure whether I'd really want them to.

Sneak preview! expect to learn more about grizzly bear behavior through absolutely adorable videos from a study in Glacier National Park)

Following a War Correspondent's Footsteps to the Oil Spill

Melville Jacoby sitting on the grounds of the Chungking (Chongqing) Press Hostel in July, 1941.

Two nights ago I tweeted the following: Dreaming of dropping everything to report on the oil spill like an old fashioned war correspondent. Anyone hiring experienced reporters? At first it was a bit of a whim. I've been working on a complex but often dry assignment. During breaks I've read these fascinating — if horrifying — stories about the spill. There are just so many pieces of this story that need to be covered. How could I contribute to that coverage, particularly when the story will have such far reaching impacts on our world?

Then I thought: why not just ask? Who needs help reporting on the spill? Why not offer my services as an experienced reporter who'd be willing to contribute his work, his time, and his energy?

So, who needs help?

Two years ago, when I applied to grad school, I described our shifting environment and its impact on society, politics, economics and culture — let alone life — as perhaps the only great global story. As I did, I had my grandmother's cousin, Melville Jacoby, on my mind.

As I've described before, Melville served as a correspondent in China and Southeast Asia in the 1930s and early 40s. His work appeared in places like Time, Life and the United Press Syndicate at the onset of World War II. Younger than I am now, he was so deeply immersed he reported from the midst of a narrow escape from the Philippines after the Japanese invasion and, during his travels through China, became close to Chiang Kai-Shek. Killed at 25 in an accident in Australia in 1942, he left behind rich accounts of his life in the form of letters, dispatches and photos now in my grandmother's possession.

As I learned from my grandmother about Melville, I realized he played a central role telling stories about one small part of another great, global crisis. Perhaps the war was more romantic than seemingly glacial environmental changes (though really, they aren't so glacial) but both crises are the defining milieus of a particular generation. "Like Melville," I wrote, "I want to chronicle my generation's response to its crisis."

I have some travel credits, some time, and a little cash saved up.

I even have Melville's typewriter.

If that could get me to the Gulf Coast, could there be a floor to sleep on for the minutes I'm not in the field? Who's in need of a collaborator? A researcher? An errand boy? A transcriptionist?

Let's talk. Even if it's not in the field, how can I help?

Where I’ve been

Earlier this month, as quite a few of my most recent readers know, I was diligently participating in the 2010 Blogathon. It has been an interesting experiment for me. I tend to resist writing for frequency. I think writing with intention is so much more meaningful. Part of me also strongly resists writing about writing, even though I feel as if that's something I've done frequently on this site.

Meanwhile, I've been honing my own focus on environmental journalism, worked on a few stories and wondered as I did so how this site reflects on me. If my goal is a career exploring our society's response to environmental pressures and reporting on the stories impacting that response, how clearly am I really articulating it with pictures of my random wanderings, angsty frustrations, or tales of freeway-less journeys through California and Oregon?

Journalistic or not, I missed a post last week. I just spaced on it. Afterward, the whole experiment unraveled on my end. I haven't posted in a week. Beforehand, I took great care to post every day and, when I knew I might not be able, I prepared posts in advance. Even if I didn't believe in posting daily, in spilling words into a knot of servers and clients, why not test the limits of that belief one month? I continue to be impressed by the work Michelle Rafter has done to put this event together and to draw such varied writers together, so what do I really have to lose by experimenting alongside them?

Despite my own goals, publicly committing to write regularly could be its own challenge. I don't necessarily have to make "blogging," whatever in the world that really means, a habit. Cultivating this site and carefully, diligently crafting  it has long been my underlying goal.

I may not have posted anything for a week, but it's difficult to say my experiment unraveled. Over the past week, I've been spending my time pursuing some seemingly fruitful professional leads. In one case, I've been rediscovering the rush of diving deeply into a story I'm enthusiastic to write at the same time as I've begun developing a handful of other freelance pieces. Though I won't discuss what they're about until they're published, I'm happy to say the more I look into them, the more confident I am that they'll be compelling to the public. My increased attention to them is partially responsible for my inattention to the Blogathon, and I don't regret that. The rush that comes from following hunches and reveling in my curiosity beats just about any intoxicant I've tried.

Doing this work, though, isn't about the rush, as hard as it is to believe. There's something that happens as a journalist -- at least something that's happened to me -- that can't be avoided. The stories have to be told because the stories have to be told.

Guest Post - All for one and one for all: why writer communities

One of the more interesting features of the 2010 Blogathon is today's guest post exchange day. Blogathon participants have wandered about the Internet to post on each other's blogs. Visiting Lascher at Large today is Michelle Rafter, a freelance business and technology reporter who blogs about freelancing and new media at WordCount: Freelancing in the Digital Age and organized the Blogathon. In today's appearance at Lascher at Large Rafter discusses what she's learned about community and writers through putting together the Blogathon. I, meanwhile, can be found on her site discussing the Oregon News Incubator.

Anyhow, here's what Michelle wrote:

Writing is a solitary endeavor. Even if your favorite place to write is a crowded coffee shop, in the end it’s just you and your laptop.

Being part of a writing community doesn’t take away the pain of getting the words on the page. But exchanging tips, opinions and war stories with other writers provides a level of support you can’t get from the random guy sipping a caramel macchiato next to you at Starbucks.

I’ve blogged a lot about the importance of belonging to writing tribes, whether in a newsroom if you’re lucky enough to still be a staff reporter, in the city where you live if there’s an SPJ chapter or other organized journalism group, or online through a virtual writers’ group such as the Online News Association, Freelance Success, or UPOD.

This sense of writers as community hit home again in a big way during the early days of this year’s WordCount Blogathon.

Every May, I host a blogathon where freelancers, reporters, copywriters and other writers with blogs commit to posting every day of the month. This year, more than 110 writers registered before the official deadline and another dozen or so joined after the fact.

That’s a lot of people – more than twice the number that signed up last year – and an enormous opportunity for interaction. Before this year’s blogathon, I thought about providing some mechanism for blogathoners to talk to each other. Then I got buried with administrative details and decided a hashtag on Twitter, #blog2010, that people could use to swap short comments would have to do.

Right about then, blogathon participant and Arizona writer Rebecca Allen offered to help set up a WordCount Blogathon Google Group – and the rest is history.

Since the first week of May, almost 90 percent of the people in the blogathon have joined the Google Group. From day one there’ve been lively exchanges, on blogging mechanics, linking etiquette, advertising and finding the demographics of blog subscribers to name just a few. People used it to find partners for today’s blog post exchange, follow each other on Twitter and sign up for each other’s Facebook fan pages.

The Google Group has inspired blogathoners to create other devices for interacting. Dylan, who blogs at DiscordianZen put together an RSS feed that groups all 110+ blogs in the Blogathon onto one page, super handy for jumping from one blog to another. Tracy Doerr, another, blogger decided to do an interview series featuring other blogathoners and used the Google Group to ask for interview volunteers.

The group has united people in ways I wouldn’t have thought of. It epitomizes the hub and spoke nature of the Internet, where communication flows throughout the system and not just from the top down. It’s also made me to feel like a guest at the party and not just the harried host too busy filling drinks and emptying the ashtrays to join the conversation.

Bill Lascher is involved in his own writing community experiment as part of the Oregon News Incubator, which he’s posting about on my WordCount blog today.

A mutual journalist friend of ours, Abraham Hyatt, created yet another writing community after running a one-day digital journalism workshop here in Portland last year. The Digital Journalism Portland group has met a few times since then, with writers, editors, freelancers and representatives from new media startups mingling and keeping up with what’s happening in the industry here and elsewhere.

If enough writers think it’s worthwhile, I’ll keep the Google Group going after the blogathon ends so people can continue asking questions and helping each other in a friendly, low-key environment.

These examples prove that opportunities are out there for writers to build communities, whether virtual or physical. Sometimes all it takes is a bit of out-of-the-box thinking, an extra hour or two at the computer, and not settling for a lonely table at a crowded Starbucks.

Accounting

Some statistics about my participation in the 2010 Blogathon as of May 17, 2010:

Posts that have traveled through time:  4

Story pitches  made to outside publications instead of turned into posts: 3

Percentage of posts made after 11 p.m.: 90

Instances of nakedness while composing/posting items: 3

Drafts written in bath tubs: 1

Drafts preceded by drippy sprints out of the shower: 1

Posts written with others in the room: 2

Posts conceived while visiting a niece's make-believe amusement park: 1

Number of surfaces, on average, post drafts have been written upon: 2

Nearly completed drafts of 500 words or greater deleted before posting: 1

Trivia competitions during which posts were drafted: 1

Number of rounds during trivia contest between which posts were drafted: 4

Place in which the author, competing alone, finished during said trivia match: 3rd

Avocados consumed: 9

The Free(lance)dom to Investigate

Like Jen Willis, today I attended an investigative business journalism seminar organized by the Reynolds Center. Unlike Jen, though, I don't feel as pessimistic about the potential for freelance journalists to do investigative work. Nor do I feel staff writers should lament, at least not for the long term. What I took away more than anything else was the emphasis by Alec Klein and Gary Cohn that quality investigative work often arises from beat reporting. To take that point a bit further, I'd argue that quality investigative work often comes out of everyday reporting, everyday life, everyday focus on and attention to the subjects we cover. It comes from paying attention when we work on even seemingly mundane stories. Yes, it also takes tenacity, and time, and diligence to complete a serious, significant project, and I think Klein and Cohn would likely say the best work is done when given a reporter's complete attention. Nevertheless, when we as freelancers, as well as staff writers tied to a beat, learn of stories we think desperately need to be covered, we should cover them. As Cohn suggested, steal an hour or two. Don't have an hour? Steal twenty minutes.

Perhaps it's problematic to think of investigative journalism only as long-form, intricate work that produces Pulitzer Prizes or reveals the shenanigans behind historic corporate mergers. What would happen, though, if we took investigative angles to each story we produced? What if we took just a few of the tips offered today even to the basest beat story? What if we just spent a few more minutes to ask one more question? What if we just sought out one more source?

What I'm really trying to say here -- and this underscores many of my other opinions about journalism -- is, simply, do the work that you care about, let the work that matters move you and pour your heart into it. Just do it to the extent that you're capable of, take it as far as you can go. And I really mean that. If you want to cover a subject, any subject, take your coverage of it as far as you're comfortable going. Once you get to that limit of your comfort, think about it, think about how far you want to take it. Can you commit to taking it further? Either you can or you can't. You'll either make that additional call, or you won't.

I can readily admit that there are a number of investigative pieces I've wanted to do and haven't. I still have notes from some I approached as a business writer and alt-weekly editor that I'm not quite ready to abandon. For even longer I've wanted to develop a career as an investigative journalist and often felt I've just skirted that desire. Yet, the other side of that coin is that I've incorporated investigative approaches into my day to day approach as a journalist. I realized during today's conference, too, that some of the tips mentioned I'd learned before, from past editors, teachers, previous seminars and from experience. However, many of the tips were still new to me, and those few that weren't were refreshed with this seminar. Yet I know my familiarity with some concepts came from doing, from experimenting, from giving myself just a few more moments on a piece, from taking part of a slow afternoon to scour recent bankruptcy filings, from trusting that my readers actually might want to know more if only I offered it to them and therefore digging just a little more deeply. I've found ways to look at the deeper nuances of stories. I've explored the context in which breaking news occurs.

It comes down to a question of identity. Sometimes I think all journalists are investigative journalists. What differentiates journalists from reporters is the ability and willingness to look behind an event or situation and tell its underlying story, not just announce its existence.